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My Mother, And A Special Guest, Recap Week Two

Bears lose to the Cardinals, 48-23.

[Recorded in a car ride roughly five hours after the Bears 48-23 loss to the Arizona Cardinals. “Eye of
the Tiger” comes on the radio.]
Dad: Welcome to sports central. 

Mom: Go. Go what?

Dad: Go Bears. 

Mom: I thought the offense looked good until Cutler threw an interception. Their defense didn't look good. Cutler had good protection. What's the other guys name? Jimmy Clausen did not look good at all. No. He sucked. He couldn't do anything. 

Dad: Tell him, tell him why. 

Mom: Why?

Dad: It takes him too long to release the ball, he has too long of a windup. 

Mom: I didn't say that, you did.

Dad: Oh. Sorry. 

Mom: I didn't see that, I just saw bad play. Arizona started with a 108 yard return touchdown. First quarter looked good, he had nice passing to Forte. Then they had that helmet to helmet, where the guy hit Cutler's helmet with his helmet. Cutler could get a concussion, but they didn't check or call it. He had a wide open pass to Bellamy, and that was a surprise, because Bellamy was wide open. And then I liked the Bud Light commercial. Bud Light has the cans with all the teams' logos on it. That's cool. 

Interviewer: What's the commercial? It's just logos?

Mom: Yeah. It just shows Bud Light cans and it's all lined up, all the different teams. 

Dad: It has all the different football teams, the NFL teams. 

Mom: That's what I said. 

Dad: I know, but he wasn't understanding. 
Interviewer: Do they do anything? Or just sit there? 

Mom: No, they just sit there. It's a can. What do you want the can to do, sing you a song? 

Dad: Psssh. [sound of can opening] That's the only song they know. 

Mom: They had that throughout. And Cutler was a good runner today, until he got hurt. Jeremy Langford from Michigan State had a touchdown. Jared Allen had a nice interception. Robbie Gould had some good field Goulds... And there were all these commercials with Peyton Manning that I thought were funny. You know, [high-pitched voice] it's high-voiced Peyton Manning. Didn't you ever see them? It's like, Hi, I'm Peyton Manning [high-pitched voice] and I'm high-voiced Peyton Manning. And then everything he does is in high voice. There's another one, too. For Papa John's... Oh, and then Cutler got a hamstring. 

Interviewer: Take us through that, what happened with that play. 

Mom: He was, uh. Obviously, he was running. [pause] Did he have the ball?

Dad: He threw an interception. 

Mom: Oh, that's right, that's right! He threw an interception, and so he was trying to tackle the guy. He was playing defense position then. And then somebody got him instead, and he fell on his shoulder and his arm. Or, did he get the other guy or did the guy get him? 

Dad: He missed him and nobody got anybody. 

Mom: He missed him, and he fell on his shoulder, and he got a hamstring out of that. 
Interviewer: He got a hamstring injury?
Mom: They call it a hamstring. 

Interviewer: It's not like he got an extra hamstring all of a sudden. 

Mom: That's what I don't get. I never heard of a hamstring as an injury. But everybody on the news. Remember last year who was that guy they said he had something like that? A groin! Remember, they said somebody had a groin? I was like, what's a groin? Everybody's got a groin. And now Cutler's got a hamstring. That must be football talk. Instead of saying he has a groin injury or a hamstring injury, he's got a hamstring. But he fell on his arm! Right? He fell on his arm and he got a hamstring out of it. 

Interviewer: Here's your prize. 

Mom: And that's all. 

Interviewer: That's all? That was like the second quarter. 

Mom: Well, that's all. Then I fell asleep. Then I had my third quarter football nap. I saw the fourth quarter a little. They lost. They just had field goals, field goul... field Goulds. They lost by a lot to Arizona. Who'd think they'd lose to Arizona. Who'd even think they'd have a football team in Arizona? I thought Arizona would be old people playing football. Like 70, running, like boop-boop-boop, oh, I got a hamstring! Then you could see a hamstring or groin, right? Arizona, could you believe that. Then they have a Cardinal as their team. Have you ever seen a Cardinal in Arizona? Cardinal is an Illinois bird. Should be Arizona... something. Cacti. 

Dad: Tumbleweed. Or, diapers. Arizona Depends. 

Mom: I never saw a cardinal before in Arizona. But whatever. Didn't Cardinals used to be in St. Louis? 

Interviewer: That's the baseball team. 

Mom: Oh yeah. 

Dad: They used to be in Chicago. The football Cardinals. 

Mom: Well, they should've changed their name when they went to Arizona. To

the Depends. Or the Over Fifties.

Interviewer: So, what lessons are there to take away from the game?

Mom: Always be ready for your third quarter nap. Because you really don't miss anything. Careful when you run and hit your shoulder, you might get a hamstring. What else? Don't get rid of your third string quarterback because you might need him. That's it. But I'll give you more notes later on my special investigation. 

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